In Pieces
by garganta
Summary: Piper Chapman lost the single most important thing in her life to a drunk driver. Someone she thought she might never see again might just be the person to help her find joy in her life again. Alex/Piper, AU
1. The Heartbreak

The weather seemed to mock her. It was supposed to be rainy; it was supposed to be cloudy. The sun had no reason whatsoever to be out on a day like this. Her heart was ripped out, a hole of nothingness now in its place. She didn't feel anymore. With _him_ gone, there was nothing left anymore. _He_ was a mistake, an accident at first; a result of her carelessness. But over time she grew used to the fact that he was there, that there would soon be a part of her out there in this big world. Her best friend Polly and she would go out and look for all the things he would need. She remembered how she would get more and more excited with every passing day. Despite having been alone in this, the more days passed, the more confident she started to feel about it. Of course, Polly helped her a lot and even her mother would help her out. Cal would sometimes accompany her to her gynecologist when Polly or her mom weren't available. She was never lonely.

She remembered how she wept when she saw the first ultrasound image of him. She remembered the first time she heard his heartbeat. She remembered the tears when she found out the gender. All of these moments were branded into her memory for eternity. Never would those moments fade away, never would she forget these moments.

Or the moment when she heard his first cries and held him, _touched_ him for the first time. She remembered the waves of emotions crashing through her being when she fed him for the first time. When she took him home for the first time; tucked him in, in his own crib for the first time.

And here she was, three years later, dressed in black with other people dressed in black, in a graveyard on a sunny day. Her once vivid blue eyes were empty, rimmed red, sore from crying. The supposedly comforting words being read from the bible were white noise for her as she stared at it; everything around her was blurring and fading as nothing else existed but her and the coffin.

It was too small. No being so small should ever have to lie in a coffin; least of all when it was her own. Her own child was laying in it, her own baby boy. She didn't understand, couldn't fathom what it was she did that made fate be so cruel to her.

Here she was, 28 years old, and she had to bury her own son; a child of three years.

Her entire being was numb. She had no more tears left, no will to go on. For the past week her entire life seemed to go on in autopilot. People were talking, but she didn't understand a word. The food Polly made her eat tasted bland; the water she drank left her throat still dry. Her sleep didn't take away her tiredness and yet and the days were too colorful and bright in comparison to the grey that engulfed her being.

She was pulled from her thoughts when Polly tugged at her arm.

"It's done, Pipes." Her voice was soft, slightly scratchy from the tears and sobs.

Blinking, she turned to her friend. "What?"

"It is over. We have…we have to go to the reception now."

Her gaze turned back to the coffin. He would be buried any moment now. He would be gone forever.

A sob escaped her, followed by another and another. She couldn't stop it, she wanted it to stop but she couldn't. "He's gone." Her voice was a whisper, full of anguish and despair. "He's gone and he won't come back…" She wanted to run her fingers through his blonde hair again, she wanted to kiss his face and tickle him and make him squeal in laughter. She wanted to tuck him in and read him his favorite bedtime stories.

But she couldn't. She would never again be able to do those things, never smell his baby shampoo on him again; never dress him up in those smart and ridiculously cute looking clothes.

"My baby boy…"

She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see her father, his eyes watery and a heartbroken look on his face and it made her cry more as she clutched onto him, desperate and broken, in pieces.

She didn't know how she was supposed to survive this. It was beyond her how a person could live on with this kind of pain, with this kind of agony.

Her father was leading her to the car. "Can you drive me home? Please?" She couldn't deal with the reception, with those people. Polly offered to have the reception at her place so Piper's home wouldn't be disrupted. The blonde wouldn't be in any way able to deal with so many people at her apartment, at the place where she was playing with her son just a few days before.

"Piper-" Her mother wanted to object but her father agreed quickly with Piper before shooting his ex-wife a death glare. Even after her grandson died she still thought it important to make a good impression.

The blonde thanked her father as he helped her into the car and she leaned against its window, staring into the cemetery; her son's new home. Her lower lip trembled, a whimper rising in her throat but she squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath.

It was too much. All of this was just too much.

* * *

She closed the door to her apartment behind her. It was silent; empty. From now on, she would have to get used to this. No greeting the babysitter, no tiny voice screaming _mommy_ as tiny arms hugged her around her legs, before she picked the small body up and hugged it tightly against her.

Her apartment would be empty from now on.

She dropped her clutch to the floor, not caring much for it as she made a beeline to the small playroom where a small mattress was, just in case when James would decide to take a spontaneous nap. He often would do this, in the middle of playing just nodding off. Sometimes it would annoy her because he didn't get any lighter and Piper Chapman was known for many things but her nonexistent strength wasn't it. Sometimes it was funny, because she would find him in the weirdest of positions and she would take pictures. Later though she decided that she would just buy a small and fluffy mattress for him to lie in if he ever would get suddenly tired again in the middle of his playtime.

She laid down on it, curling into a small ball as she clutched her boy's blanket to her chest, inhaling the scent that still faintly lingered on it. At first she didn't want to touch his things in case they would lose his smell but she gave in.

Her eyes burned again. It had to be inhuman, producing so many tears. She couldn't remember the last day she spent without crying. It had to be ages away, far in the past. Forgotten were the days when everything was right; when the world was right. Forgotten were the days when the world's being colorful and bright wasn't offensive, when the laughter and cries of children didn't make her cry, when she was still a mother.

All she could do now was to lie on his mattress and hold his blanket.

* * *

The next days passed in a blur. It wasn't because they were particularly exciting or distracting; they did drag on and on and never seemed to end.

It was because they didn't seem to differ in any way. It was the same routine, over and over, not changing, always grey, always bland. She didn't live. She barely functioned. Her mind didn't work; it was off and far away. All the things she was doing she did on autopilot, recalling things from memory. She ate, because her memory told her it was something she had to do. She worked and her memory brought things up for her to use and utilize. She drank because her memory made her do it.

But she didn't talk. She nodded and shook her head but she didn't talk. Her voice was something foreign to her and she feared that the moment she would open her mouth she would cry. She didn't know if she had any tears left but it was always a possibility.

She saved her voice and tears for her daily visits. It was the only time the grey seemed to fade. A headstone with a small grave, flowers adorning it. Flowers from her.

She remembered when Pete told James that when he got older he would have to give flowers to his favorite girl. James, as sweet as he was, picked up the next flower he saw and brought it to Piper, telling her that she was his favorite girl. She bought him his favorite ice cream later, even though the weather was quite fresh.

So she brought dandelions she would pick up on her way and lay them in front of his headstone, every day, just like she did now.

Her hand clutched a small bouquet of the yellow flowers as she was in front of his grave.

No parent should ever have to bury their own child and yet, here she was, in front of the grave of her son. She placed the dandelions in front of his headstone next to the others as she sat down, doing nothing but staring. She stared at the headstone, the way she did yesterday and the day before.

The sobs followed soon, bottled up over the day and she let her head hang, her hair shielding her face as she cried.

Time lost all meaning as tear streaks stained her face, as she cried her heart out. She didn't know if it was minutes or hours that passed, but she started to calm down, her tears for the day spent. Leaning forward, she touched the gravestone with her fingers, gently caressing the smooth surface.

"I miss you, baby boy…" Her voice sounded foreign to her, rough and scratchy from the lack of use, but James was always lulled to sleep fast when she read him his favorite bedtime stories with her soft voice. He deserved to hear it, wherever he was now.

He deserved to know that she missed him terribly, that she wanted him back.

A shaky sigh escaped her as she stared at the headstone.

She got up and, with one last glace, headed back home.

* * *

**AN: This was by far the most emotional thing I have ever written in ever. Seriously, this is beyond hard and heavy, writing something like that. **

**Don't accept any quick updates for this though, my priorities still lie with PIC and CT and the next chapter for YBH. I just had to write this down because the idea was in my head and if I didn't put this on digital paper soon I would have gone crazy. **

**Also, the chapters, for this will be, when they come, shorter than what you are used to with this and I don't think there will be more than 5 in total. This will be short and heavy. Can't say when I'll be done with this though.**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and that I made you cry. Please review and tell me if I at least was able to make your eyes teary.**


	2. The Interlude

Piper Chapman functioned through the motions of world; went with the flow. Her life ended when James was taken from her. It had been half a year since she buried her child and every day after work she would visit his grave. She didn't know how to feel joy anymore. She didn't know how to feel _anything _anymore. She didn't go out anymore and she didn't remember when the last time was she slept in her own bed. She was always in his playroom, imagining him playing with his toys, laughing. She imagined how he would walk up to her, show her something he drew.

Her life revolved around her fantasy world- a world in which he was still alive.

Her friends and family grew more concerned with each passing month, urging her to go out, meet people, start to _live_ again but she either shrugged them off or ignored them. There was nothing left to live for anymore.

During the six months she started to drink more and more. It wasn't even a conscious thing; she just started without thinking about it and it became a habit- go to work, visit his grave, start drinking and sleep in his playroom.

Her habit soon became second nature to her. There was rarely a day anymore when there wouldn't be empty bottles of all kinds of alcohol lying around in her apartment.

One day, after a particularly bad night, she missed work. It wasn't the first time, but it was the amount of days she missed work over the past two weeks that brought Polly to her doorstep in the middle of the day. The blonde had a bad hangover, with the lights being too bright and the birds being too noisy. The fact that the knocks against her door seemed more persistent than necessary didn't help matters.

Piper swayed a little when she got up, dry heaved a couple of times before taking a deep breath and walked towards the door. She opened it and attempted a smile at the furious looking redhead before stepping aside to let her in.

"Jesus, you look like shit." Polly looked around the apartment at the empty beer cans and vodka bottles. "Your apartment looks like shit."

"Thanks…" The blonde muttered.

The redhead turned to her friend and sighed. She wanted to be angry with her, she really did, but what the blonde had to endure was something she couldn't even try to understand. Polly couldn't be angry with her when she herself couldn't honestly say that she wouldn't try to cope the way Piper would. But she knew that it was wrong, that it didn't help the blonde in any way. Polly knew that what Piper did bordered on alcoholism- if it wasn't already alcoholism. The blonde needed help and Polly needed to make her understand.

"Sit down, Pipes. I'll bring you water and clean up a little here and then we need to talk." She cupped her friend's cheeks before pulling her into a hug. "I love you, okay?"

Piper returned the hug halfheartedly before pulling away and walking over to James's playroom. She hadn't cleaned the room since she fell asleep here on the day of his funeral. She sat down on his mattress and stared at the toys still scattered on the floor and closed her fist around the locked hanging on her neck. It was a simple thing- a thin, golden chain, the locket heart shaped. In it was a picture of them both; her smooching his cheek while he grinned into the camera.

Suddenly she felt sober again. Her head wasn't swimming, her stomach wasn't revolting. The sound of cans and bottles being thrown into a garbage bag suddenly wasn't too loud. She felt lonely. She missed her son. She wanted him back. She wanted to kill the drunk truck driver who ignored the red light and crashed into their car. She wanted to yell and throw and break things at the unfairness that she got away with just a few bruises but that her son was taken from her in an instant. She wanted to die and just be with Jamie again.

The mattress shifted to the side when Polly joined her, throwing an arm over Piper's shoulder and pulling her close. The blonde rested her head on her best friend's shoulder.

"I want him back, Pol."

"I know, Pipes. I miss him too. He was my little buddy." The redhead smiled sadly. "But no matter how unfair this is, we still have lives to live."

Pulling her head back, Piper looked at the redhead. "I don't anymore. When my son was taken from me, they took my life with him." Her face was expressionless, her voice soft. She wasn't angry at Pol. The redhead still _did_ have a life. But in the place where Piper's heart used to be was only black nothingness. When she had to bury her son, she buried her heart with him. She drifted through the motions of other people's life but she felt detached, unhinged. She didn't know what she did anymore; barely functioning, going on for the sake of going on.

"Pipes…I think…I think you need professional help to go through this."

"I don't want help."

"But-"

"No. I don't want help."

"It could-"

"I said no!" Piper's voice grew loud and she was getting annoyed. "I don't want help. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to sit around 45 minutes in front of some old dude and talk while he listens, just to have him tell me what others tell me the whole time and pay money for it!"

Silence surrounded them for a few moments before Piper got up and looked around. "I remember still having another bottle of vodka…" She mumbled to herself.

"I emptied it." Polly braced herself for another outburst but it didn't come. She caught on, on how Piper's body tensed and how she took a calming breath. The blonde then nodded in acknowledgement to what Polly said and opened a shelf, taking out a package of cigarettes.

The redhead raised an eyebrow. "You are not only borderline alcoholic but you smoke now too?"

"I smoke again. Remember college?"

Polly nodded but now before making a mental note on how Piper didn't deny the alcoholic part. They walked towards a window. Piper opened it and lit the cigarette, taking a deep drag and inhaling the smoke deeply. They were silent for a few moments before Piper spoke again. "I'm sorry for shouting at you." She looked back at the redhead. "I don't know when the last day I didn't cry. I barely am surviving the days, Pol. I…I am not ready to talk and _analyze_ my son's death."

Polly nodded. She could understand that. Maybe she shouldn't have jumped at Piper like that with the idea of a therapist. Maybe she should have just suggested it. But there was something else and there was no room for discussion. "Could you at least join an AA or NA group? Please?"

Instead of answering, Piper took another last drag, before putting it out on the ashtray on her windowsill.

"You know that you have a drinking problem and alcohol has put you through enough pain to last you a lifetime already."

Piper looked out of the window, into the busy New Yorker streets, then glanced back at her best friend. "At least you were kind about it."

"Is that a yes?"

"It's a _fine_."

* * *

Polly helped Piper with finding an NA group and when they found one and asked how it worked they were told to just join them. Polly insisted on accompanying the blonde and though Piper repeatedly told her that she didn't need to, she was grateful that that Polly wanted to the meeting with her.

When they arrived at the building, Piper looked at her watch and was glad that they still had fifteen minutes. She pulled out her cigarette package and put one in her mouth before lighting it. The nicotine immediately helped to relax as she leaned against the wall. Polly waved her hand against the smoke, scrunching her face up.

"When we are done with this problem, I'll organize an intervention for your smoking."

Piper snorted at that thought. For the last three days she hadn't touched any kinds of alcohol and she craved it. But what Polly said to her carved itself deeply into her thoughts.

"_Alcohol has put you through enough pain to last you a lifetime already."_

Because of alcohol her baby boy was dead. She couldn't let her drinking get out of hand. What if she someday drank too much again and used her car? If there wasn't someone to stop her from drunk driving? If she hurt someone like that?

She had to win this. For herself. For her son.

After one last drag, she threw the cigarette butt down and put it out with the heel of her chucks. She and Polly walked inside and, after asking, where shown the room the NA meetings were held at. There was already a group of people there- a little less than twenty perhaps- and Piper felt out of place. Polly put a reassuring arm on her back before choosing a place to sit. Soon, they were followed by the rest as the group leader stepped up the stage

"Dear friends, I am glad we are together here again, in such a large number. I am glad because it again shows the dedication of this group here; the dedication to get away from our addictions." A few cheers were thrown in, making him smile. "When I look around I can already see a few new faces. Let me welcome you. My name is Mike Emrich and I will be your leader in this group. I will lead this group through these sessions but the whole group will help you through your addiction. We are family and friends in here and we all help each other." He made a small pause before continuing. "Let's start with the introductions. Why don't we start with you?" He pointed at Piper and Polly squeezed her hand.

"Go. You'll do great."

Piper took a calming breath and moved up to the stage behind the podium as the leader stepped away.

"So, please tell us your name and why you are here." Mike looked at her with a kind and reassuring smile. Almost professional.

"Yeah, um, hi." She looked towards the group, not really seeing anyone. "I…um, my name is Piper Chapman and I have a…drinking problem."

The group cheered and Piper couldn't help but give a timid smile. Mike smiled at her. "Very good, thank you, Piper. When you feel ready, you can talk more about your problem and how it came to be."

The blonde nodded before walking down and her heart almost stopped when she heard an all too familiar voice. "Welcome in our group, Piper Chapman."

* * *

**AN: So, only one more chapter left for this. I hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget to review! And thanks for the reviews, favs and follows!**


	3. I Can't Deal With You Right Now

**So, I usually do not make ANs at the beginning of a chapter but I got this very lovely review a while back: **_Guest:__this is garbage_

**Now, let me tell you something about reviewing. If you do not like a story, for whatever reason: do not review. Just don't. **

**If you do like a story but don't like certain aspects or something: **_**constructive criticism.**_** I even made it cursive.**

**But honestly, 'this is garbage'. Seriously, my story is not garbage, not even close but your review is garbage. Why? Because it is a cheap shot, because it was written anonymously, because it doesn't tell me anything at all about what you didn't like. I am not fazed by that review in a "it kills my confidence way", it just simply annoys me. So please, don't annoy me with reviews like that or I **_**will**_** drag you.**

**That being said, there is another review that I will have to comment on, but in PIC.**

* * *

She forced herself not to look at the source of the voice. She didn't need to. It took those few spoken words and she remembered instantly; her eyes, her eyebrows, her lips, her glasses, her hair. It all came back with a vengeance and she was not ready to deal with any of it. She was in no way ready and she didn't know if she ever would be ready again to deal with Alex fucking Vause.

She kept her face as indifferent as possible and mumbled a barely audible "thanks" before moving on until she reached her chair and sat down next to Polly. Dropping her head on a hand she tried to calm herself but she really craved something alcoholic right now. Polly rubbed her back in small circles, her face not even trying to hide the curious concern the redhead was feeling.

"Are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Piper chuckled at that. "I actually did." She gathered herself back up, sitting upright and looking straight ahead. "Well, not actually _see_ but…I heard one. I'd recognize that voice everywhere."

Looking confused at first, realization dawned on Polly's face as her eyes widened and her hand shot out to grasp at Piper's wrist. "No-!"

The blonde though shook her head at her best friend, indicating that this was neither the time nor the place to discuss the implication of being in the same NA group as Piper's ex-girlfriend.

So they both returned their attention back to the meeting, listening with rapt attention as various people from all sorts of backgrounds told their stories. After one and a half hours it was over. People went to the front to get their chips- evidence that they attended to a NA group's meeting from beginning to the end.

Piper waited until most of the attendees were gone and the worst of scramble at the front was over before she got up from her chair to get her own chip. It wasn't as bad as she thought at first, this NA group thing Polly begged her to join to. It was interesting to see all those different people from every spectrum of society in one room having one thing in common: their addictions.

But ultimately her opinion of this group didn't matter; _couldn't_ matter.

"_Alcohol has put you through enough pain to last you a lifetime already." _

She was grateful for Polly. More than grateful. Not once during her excessive consummation of alcohol did she think about what alcohol had taken from her. Not once did she think about that maybe one day she may drive while drunk and put another mother through the very same thing she had to go through. So no matter what, she would see this through. She had to see this through. Not for herself but for Jamie and every single mother out there.

So she reached the front and took one of the few chips left in the bowl.

"Thank you for joining us today. I hope to see you the next time again."

She glanced up at Mike and gave him a tiny, polite smile. "You will, thanks."

As she turned around she saw Polly waiting for her at the door. As soon as they exited the room Polly stopped her in her tracks. "You meant supercunt, right?"

The blonde sighed as she reached for her cigarettes in her purse and took one out of the packet. "Yes."

"Pipes. Look at me."

She looked up at her best friend.

Polly took a deep breath before she started to talk. "You can not get caught up with her again. At least not right now. Not before you…dealt…with what happened. You understand that, do you?"

"I know, Pol. I am not interested to start anything with anyone right now anyways. I…" She shrugged. "I know that I'm not in any state of mind to get caught up in any sort of romance. And I don't think that she sees me as any sort of love interest anymore anyways."

"Good." Polly nodded approvingly.

They started to move again, ready to head home.

"Thanks for looking out for me, Pol. I really appreciate it." It was one of the few really sincere moments Piper had had since she lost her son.

The redhead looked up at her best friend before nodding and smiling at her. No words were needed here.

They exited the building and Piper immediately lit her cigarette and took a deep breath.

Polly scrunched her nose as the smoke immediately assaulted her senses. "Jesus, Pipes-"

"First alcohol, now smoking…your WASPy life seems totally out of control, Piper."

The blonde stiffened immediately and turned towards the source of the voice. There she was, in all her glory, all perfect curves, thick black hair, gorgeous glasses and luscious lips.

"Hi, Alex."

Polly also turned around, giving the brunette a once over before crossing her arms, her face bearing a haughty look.

The other woman next Alex- neither Polly nor Piper knew her- spoke up. "You know that chick, Vause?"

"I'm her ex-girlfriend." Piper answered instead of Alex.

Sudden realization dawned on the crazy haired woman's face as she smacked her forehead with her hand, groaning loudly. "You are _the_ ex! Oh man, I shoulda known that just from the name and the college look you have. Jeez."

Piper looked at the smaller woman for another second before turning her attention back to Alex, smirking humorlessly at her. "Should have known that you wouldn't waste any time telling your friends about how I ruined your life or something like that." She took one last drag from her cigarette before throwing it down onto the pavement and putting it out with the heel her shoe. "But you know what? I don't care. I can't deal with you right now, Alex. It was nice to see you, though." She turned to leave but turned around to face Alex again. "I still think that you should consider getting blue tips on your hair again. That really looked gorgeous on you."

With that she walked with Polly towards the redhead's car but stopped in her tracks as she heard Alex call after her. "Run from uncomfortable confrontations. Some things didn't change at least."

The blonde sighed and wanted to ignore it but Polly nearly growled in anger.

"Ignore it Polly. Let's just go, okay?"

Polly humored her but Piper could see that the redhead was really irked by her ex-girlfriends words.

But Piper had other problems, _bigger _problems than a bitter ex and first and foremost she needed those problems to be sorted out. She needed to get her life back on track. She knew that she could never be the same Piper from all those years back again. She knew that she could never find the same joy in her life again as she did when Jamie was still alive. She knew that whatever she did, whatever would come…she knew that a piece of her heart- a really big piece- would always be missing.

They entered the car, the blonde in the passenger seat. She leaned back and stared out of the window. On the sidewalk she saw a mother hand in hand with her small boy. He could be no older than three or four years old. She smiled sadly as her hand unconsciously wrapped itself around her locket.

"I don't think that I will ever be ready to have another child, planned or unplanned."

Polly glanced at her for a second before concentrating on the road again. "Why?"

Looking at her best friend, Piper shrugged. "I…it would feel like…I don't know. Just imagining it feels like somehow…replacing Jamie. Like when you break something and you buy a replacement? It would feel like doing the same to Jamie. It would always feel like that."

"I think I understand that."

Piper looked at Polly for a few moments before touching her arm lightly. "No, you don't. And I am not a religious person by any means, but I pray every single day that you never ever will understand, Polly. Ever."

* * *

**So, I hope you enjoyed this read. In case someone wonders why Piper is the way she is in this story: I'm pretty sure you all know that Piper Chapman sucks at dealing with emotional issues. She is someone who swallows everything down and pretends that it didn't happen, ignores the issue. But how can you ignore the death of your own child? So she does create a wall to shield herself from her own emotions. She tries to not feel anything at all. She is rather dead inside than having to feel the pain of losing Jamie. So she suffocates her emotions and that's why she doesn't panic with Alex, why she seems cold. I have my own experience with dealing with emotions that way.**

**Please don't forget to review!**

**The next upload will be one of the requests in the review section of "Just A Taste". I didn't forget those. **


	4. I Need You To Understand

The next days went by quickly. Piper attended to every single NA meeting, not missing a single one. She did however avoid any contact with Alex to the best of her possibilities. There were a few instances when the beautiful brunette tried to initiate contact with her but the blonde either ignored it or settled for some short smalltalks- but those were on the rare side.

She could see that her ex-girlfriend tried to get her to talk but the blonde couldn't read the motivation out of these advances. Was it to get her to apologize? Was it to get her to admit that it was a really shitty way to break up with someone? Was it just to reconnect? Alex was always hard to read and that apparently hadn't changed one bit during the years they hadn't seen each other.

Aside from the stress Alex's reappearance put on her, Piper felt…well, she didn't feel good. That would be a blatant lie and everyone could see that, as much as she tried to suppress her feelings, she was still hurting inhumanely. Everyone could see that in the way she talked, in the way she shied away from contact, in the way she rarely initiated conversations, in the way her eyes lingered a little too long on mothers with their children, on the longing so painfully obvious in her eyes when she saw them.

But she was getting out of her shell, bit by tiny bit. She only drank water, avoiding alcohol at all costs. She started to run again, she worked more than she ever did to occupy herself, even though she had to promise to Polly that she wouldn't kill herself with the workload she took on.

The redhead understood though that Piper needed something to distract herself from her thoughts, from her sadness, her pain and heartache.

She understood that Piper needed a lot of time to adjust to such a loss and Piper appreciated that more than her best friend would ever understand.

After another late day at work Piper was on her way home but decided to take a detour to her favorite snack bar. Polly was at home already as it had become routine for the both of them over the past days. Polly would leave at her usual time and Piper would stay back so she could have some quiet time at their store to look over some of the various kinds of paperwork that would collect itself over the matter of the day.

She went inside and was glad to see that it was just the way she liked it; quiet, smelling of tasty food and her favorite booth was empty. Not wasting any time, she went there and took her seat, taking out a folder with more paperwork she took with her from work to look over at home.

Usually, Piper really enjoyed cooking. It was a passion she only discovered after she moved out from her parent's home. That passion grew even more after she had Jamie. After his death she didn't cook as much as she used to, though. It felt odd, to not cook for her son anymore. Eating alone at the dinner table was not something she could get used to anymore.

When she found this place two months ago she quickly became a regular, spending at least two or three of her evenings a week here. She never really talked that much with the people working here though. The blonde just preferred to eat her food in peace and quiet and to keep to herself.

When a waitress came to her table to take her order she ordered her usual; a cheeseburger and french fries on the side.

While she waited for her food to be done Piper looked over the finances of PoPi and she was quietly pleased. Their store was quite successful and if it kept going like this then they might actually have to consider expanding at some point.

A few minutes later her food arrived and she thanked the waitress before picking one of her french fries and biting a small piece off.

"You still eat in that same way. I still find it both infuriating and endearing."

Sighing internally, Piper turned her head sideways to look at Alex. She either didn't see her come in or didn't see her when she entered the place. "Hey." The blonde motioned for her ex-girlfriend to take a seat, not able to avoid her anyways with her food having just arrived and not been paid for yet.

Alex cocked an eyebrow at her but took the seat anyways. "This offer kind of surprises me, considering you've been doing your best to not talk to me when we saw each other at the NA meetings."

"I don't have any opportunities to avoid you in here."

Alex studied the blonde for a while. "You've changed." She finally said in a low voice. "You don't laugh, you hardly even smile." The brunette tilted her head a little to the side, as if she tried to remember something. "You used to be so chipper and even when mad you were still so energetic. No matter how pissed I still am at you…no matter how much I hate you…my happiest memories of the past years always include you, kid."

The blonde looked up at Alex as soon as that last word left the brunette's mouth. It was the first time the brunette used that term of endearment- only reserved for the blonde- on Piper since their reunion.

"I didn't have…a lot of reason to be…chipper…over the past months, Alex."

"Does it have to do with your alcohol problem?"

"Alcohol was something to help me cope. Now I throw myself into work to distract myself." The blonde shrugged, before taking a small bite out of her burger. The paperwork was already put back inside the folder; she knew she wouldn't get any work done right now.

"Cope with what?"

"That is something I can't tell you." Piper didn't look Alex in the eyes, because her eyes started to burn. She didn't want to break down right now. "And don't ask me again about it." She took a calming breath through her nose before looking back up, a deep frown now on her face. "I barely…_barely _have any will left to go on, Alex. I _barely _am dealing with this. I can't add you to this to."

Piper couldn't read Alex's face; she couldn't tell if the brunette was sad or pissed or what she was thinking right now, but she hoped that- for the sake of what they once were- Alex would she understanding.

After a few moments, Alex spoke up again. "I hope you know that no matter what happened between us…I hope you know that I still care a whole lot about you. And that I hate seeing you liked this."

A sad smile adorned Piper's face as she shook her head slowly. "Then I'm sorry to tell you that you will have to get used to this. I won't…I can't ever be again the way you remember me. I have lost too much…" She felt stray tears on her face and hastily wiped them away with her hands. She silently thanked the brunette who hand her a handkerchief and looked a little unsure of what to say or how to react.

"I'm sorry, Alex." Piper stared down at the table, her lower lip trembling as she tried to control herself. "I can't talk about this anymore. I just can't."

Alex just nodded. It was obvious that she felt overwhelmed with the Piper she was reunited with, that this was a far cry from the Piper she remembered.

Seeming to have calmed down, Piper sat upright in her booth again, her eyes now rimmed red from the built up tears. She looked at her barely touched food and pushed it away from her, her appetite gone. "You can have it if you want." She looked at Alex. "I'm not hungry anymore."

"Look Pipes, I'm-"

"It's not your fault." The blonde leaned over, gently putting her hand over Alex's before pulling it away a moment later. "I just need you to understand…that the Piper you remember…she doesn't exist anymore. I am a far cry away from…chipper, naïve, happy or from being so much in love that everything seems right with the world."

She took out her phone and typed in a message before returning her attention back to Alex. "How's your friend, by the way?" She tried to change the subject.

"You mean Nicky?"

"If the name of the girl with that really bushy hair is Nicky, then yeah."

Alex took the opportunity to launch into this new topic and Piper was grateful. Her heart felt like it was being squeezed by an iron fist as she tried and tried not to break out in sobs, as her mind and thoughts were being pulled deeper and deeper into a seemingly endless abyss.

She asked questions about how they both met and were Nicky was from and a few more, just to keep the brunette talking. It was around twenty minutes later when the door opened and Piper spotted Polly entering the snack bar. The blonde waved a hand at the redhead and pulled out her wallet from her handbag to pay for her food.

"Pipes, are you okay? I got your message and I thought-" The redhead immediately started to say when she was within earshot to the blonde.

"Everything's fine, I just need a ride home, Pol."

Alex frowned at that. "You know, you could've just asked me, I wouldn't have minded giving you a ride home."

The blonde got up and put on her coat before taking her handbag. "It's fine, I didn't want to inconvenience you. Bye, Alex."

Polly frowned at Alex before putting a hand on the small of Piper's back and leading her out. Alex wouldn't let it go though, not even when people were starting to stare at them.

"Inconvenience me? You just texted Holly here to come and pick you up while I was right here talking to you! I don't know what the fuck has gotten you all emo but don't ta-"

A furious Polly whirled around, her face red in anger, angry tears welling up in her eyes. "HER THREE YEAR OLD SON DIED YOU FUCKING EGOMANIAC!"

A pin could drop and you would be able to hear it in the farthest corner of the kitchen. The whole place was dead silent. Piper felt drained, but her hand had a death grip on her locket. She didn't turn around, she didn't want to feel the stares of everyone in there; especially not from Alex.

She tugged at Polly's hand. "Let's leave, Polly. Please."

"Pipes-" The redhead felt mortified at her outburst and she needed to apologize, but she felt _so sick_ of the tall brunette making every reaction and action of Piper seem like something the blonde did only to spite her.

"It's okay, just…_please_."

Piper didn't look back and didn't see Alex's face. She didn't turn around.

The drive to Piper's place was silent and the blonde gave the redhead a quick hug and a quick _thanks_ for picking her up.

When she reached her apartment door though, she fumbled with her keys before finally opening the door and hastily closing it behind her after she entered. She then leaned with her back against it and slid down to the floor, finally, _finally_, allowing herself to break down.

* * *

**AN: Thank you all for the reviews. So far the most for a single chapter in this story, so really, thank you all! Also, of course, a thank you for all the favorites and follows! And for the support because of that dumbass review! You are all amazing people. **

**I hope you liked the brief Piper/Alex moment(s) I put in here and Alex's and Polly's reaction to what happened between Alex and Piper and their actions. This is honestly how I think they would react; Alex feeling rejected even though Piper is only taking care of herself in trying not to get involved too much with Alex so her whole mental health won't get any more instable then it already is and Polly being pissed and blurting out what actually happened to shut Alex up in a really angry way.**

**What do you guys think? Tell me in your reviews!**


	5. Oblivion

Numbness. The only thing she felt during her drive home was numbness. Her entire being was engulfed in that one feeling, her thoughts didn't make sense and the only thing she could make out in that huge clusterfuck her thoughts became was her ex-girlfriends best friend shouting those impossible nine words at her.

"_HER THREE YEAR OLD SON DIED YOU FUCKING EGOMANIAC!" _

It was impossible. Piper Chapman had a baby- a son- and he died with only 3 years.

Piper's son.

Dead.

She had no idea how she arrived at home and she had no idea if she locked up her car. She had no idea how she suddenly found herself on her sofa when her roommate, Nicky Nichols, startled her, shouting her name.

"Wha-" Alex Vause felt disoriented, looking around before it really clicked where she was, who was with her.

"Jesus, Vause, are you alright?" Nicky asked, worry evident in her voice. "I called your name like five hundred times."

Alex rubbed a hand over face, trying to gather herself as she still tried to process what happened, what she found out about Piper. "I…I don't know, Nicky. I don't know what the fuck just happened."

"You need a drink? I'll get you something cold to trink." Nicky made her way to their kitchen, muttering about stupid lesbians and how they always were stumbling into drama before she reappeared with two cold bottles of beer. Opening both of them, she handed one to Alex who thanked her and took a hearty gulp.

"I don't know where to begin, Nicky. I fucked up."

Nicky looked at her best friend. It was a shocking sight. In all the time she knew her, never had she seen Alex Vause so confused, so disheartened. They both had seen each other at their worst, with both being heroin addicts. This, though…this was something else. Alex Vause had never been this rattled.

"Just start at the beginning…when you were supposed to get us some food."

"I went inside this place and…and I immediately saw Piper sitting there, alone." Alex fidgeted with her hands.

Suppressing a groan, Nicky motioned for her friend to continue, indicating that she was listening.

"We talked for a while but…she just kept repeating again and again that she can't 'deal with me right now' and shit like that and that she had enough to deal with anyways right now and me getting back into her life would just be bad for her mental health and stuff like that…" Alex pushed her glasses up to her forehead, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "At least that's what she basically meant. She never said these things outright, or mostly not…anyways, when I tried to ask for more details…you know, why she has an alcohol problem anyways and shit…she tried not to break down in front of me…and then she changed the topic. And then her best friend appeared…she texted her to pick her up and I was right in front of her. She could've asked me and I called her out on it and then…Polly…the redhead…she screamed at me."

Nicky waited for Alex to continue but the brunette just stared at the bottle. "She just…screamed at your face or…?"

Alex gave a halfhearted chuckle but it was obvious that she really wasn't into humor right now. "No…she screamed…that Piper's son…he…her son died. With just…three years."

Nicky's eyebrows shot up at that and she felt that for the first time in her life she could not find something humorous in a situation. "Fuck."

"And people say that she is selfish. I'm just the same. I know how we both are with each other. I know it. We rarely ever had it easy and our relationship was always like this…larger than life thing, you know? But every time she asked me to stay away I just pushed and pushed and pushed and not once I asked myself if she really just needed space from me to get her shit back together."

"Man, I understand why you feel like this, but don't be too hard on yourself. You couldn't have known." Nicky knew that essentially Alex was right but she still shouldn't feel like this about herself.

Alex glanced at Nicky. "I didn't need to know. It doesn't change the fact that I made everything about myself."

"Alright. You are right, in that case. And I don't need to tell you that you should apologize."

"You are right." Alex got up. "I need to give those papers she forgot in that snack place back to her anyways."

"Goodie, now about that food, though. What are we gonna eat? And someone needs to throw out those leftovers in the fridge before they start to become self-aware."

"Yeah, you do that and I check if there's addresses on those paper's or if I can find it on the internet so I can give the papers back before buying our food."

At that Nicky just looked after Alex with a cocked eyebrow, doubting that there'd be any food tonight.

* * *

After what felt like hours, Piper gathered herself up. She couldn't think anymore. Her thoughts were murderous and she hated it. She could work and work and go to those NA meetings but nothing could stop her mind from working in overdrive, pulling her attention away from listening to others, from her work. Nothing could stop her mind from dragging her back to Jamie, all the time.

So she went back outside, strolling through the streets, avoiding people's eyes. She went to a small store and bought a bottle of whiskey. She went back home, not thinking of anything but drowning her thoughts in alcohol.

It was that sweet oblivion she missed most; she needed most. She sat down on her couch, opened a bottle and took a sip. Then another and another. After an hour the bottle was half empty.

She didn't do anything else but drink. She stared straight ahead, boring a hundred holes into the wall, thinking about her life.

Piper Chapman always hated the life she was born into. She hated that WASPy holier than though attitude, the fixation of upholding a good image but she didn't realize all of that until she met Alex. Being with the brunette was the second best thing happening to her but breaking up with her was a necessary evil even when she still felt ashamed of her timing.

But then came Jamie. A sad smile appeared on her lips at the thought of him, soon followed by the tears she got so used to. They were a fix part of her life now. A life she didn't want anymore.

She wondered how she was supposed to live another forty or fifty years like this. She wondered how she was supposed to carry that heartache around for the rest of her life, how she was supposed to fill that hole in her chest ever again.

And she knew she couldn't.

"_I barely…_barely_ have any will left to go on, Alex."_

She told the brunette what had been on her mind for months. She didn't have any will left to go on anymore. Everything she ate felt like ash in her mouth. She needed to be drunk to survive the days.

She wanted her son back but that was not possible.

* * *

TRIGGER WARNING

* * *

So Piper Chapman took one last sip from her bottle, one last sip for the road she was about to take, a road she would never be able to return from.

She wobbled a little as she walked to the bathroom, taking her clothing off on her way there. She took one of her substitute razorblades for her razors and sat nakedly down in her shower, a place that once comforted her but the death of her son took that away too. She struggled to place the razorblade on her wrist but after a few tries she found as good a position as possible before adding pressure on the razor and cut her wrist open in one swift move. It didn't hurt as much as she thought it would.

She stared at the blood that immediately started to flow out freely and before she thought about it she did the same to her other wrist. She then, with shaking hands, started the shower and the warm water immediately comforted her.

She closed her eyes and her hand engulfed the locket with the last of her strength as she leaned back against the cold tile wall and hoped that she would see her son soon again.

* * *

As Alex reached the apartment door she cocked an eyebrow at the key that was still stuck there. She opened the door and pulled it out, before she closed the door behind her. The first thing she saw was the whisky bottle on the table. The second the clothing trail leading to the bathroom if the running water was any indicator.

"Pipes?"

No answer.

"Pipes? It's me, Alex…I wanted to apologize and you forgot your papers back there."

Still, no answer. Getting worried she made her way to the bathroom and opened the door just a bit, peeking inside.

"Piper?"

When there was still no answer, Alex opened the door fully, looking around in the bathroom before her eyes found the blonde and the brunette felt all color drain from her face as she physically felt how her world collapsed around her.

* * *

**AN: A tiny cliffhanger for you guys. Oops. :)**

**Don't forget to review!**


	6. Defeat

Red.

All she could see in the shower was that color going down the drain. She felt nauseous. She felt lightheaded.

"Pipes?" Her voice sounded foreign as it came out in a shaky whisper. She shut the water off and all that was left of the steady noise that came from the shower was a slow dribble. Her whole body felt numb and she was shaking all over as she looked for the source of the blood when she saw the slashed wrist.

"No…" She tried not to waste too much time as she ran out of the bathroom to take the blonde's sweater she saw on the floor and simultaneously dial 911 on her phone.

"9-1-1, what's your emergency?"

"My gi-, my friend's attempted suicide, she's slit her wrists and I don't know if she's still alive, please send someone over now!" She tried hard not to panic as she put the woman on speaker. "There's so much blood!"

"Ma'am, you need be calm. Please give me the address so I can put it forward and send someone there."

Alex gave the woman Piper's address as she tried to tie the sweater as tight as possible on Piper's forearm to stop the blood from flowing.

When there was still blood running down drain Alex panicked. "There's still blood! I tied that sweater on her arm an-"´

"Did you look for both arms?" The woman's calm demeanor helped Alex but it also infuriated her. Piper was dying here, maybe was even dead already, and that woman was as calm as a cat lazing out under the sun.

"I didn't, gimme a moment." She held Piper's other arm, checking the wrist and swore loudly. "Fuck!"

She took off her own jacket and then her sweater, tying it tightly around the blonde's other arm.

"What now?" She needed to do something, _anything_, to save Piper. They had still so many things left unsaid. She still needed to apologize to the blonde. The last time they parted ways it was in such a painful, heartbreaking way, there was so much anger and disappointment left between them. Fate decided to give them another chance and now this. She couldn't accept to lose Piper this way. She wouldn't.

"An ambulance was sent to your address five minutes ago. They will be there at any moment. All you could do now is to try and elevate your friend's arms to slow the bleeding as much as possible."

"Okay. I'll do that." The brunette shifted the blonde's body so that Piper's back rested against her front and held the blonde's arms up.

"Pipes? Say something. Please!" She felt tears running down her face and with every silent moment a piece of her heart seemed to shatter. She couldn't believe this was real. She couldn't believe that this was really happening.

It was a few moments later when there was a knock on the door.

"It's not locked!"

A moment later there were several people in the bathroom, one dragging her away from the blonde while the others tended to her as Alex could do nothing but sob, answer questions about Piper and how she found her, and look on.

The words spoken in a clinical and fast manner went all over the brunette's head as she looked at Piper, the image of the pale and lifeless body, wet from the water of the shower and stained with her own blood, burning itself forever in her memory. She knew she could never forget this sight.

"Is she alive?" She didn't even realize she was speaking until she heard her own voice.

One of the paramedics tending to the blonde spoke up. "Yes but barely. She lost a lot of blood because she slit both wrists but she did it horizontally along her wrist and not vertically along her forearm. Common but damn lucky mistake people do when they want to commit suicide this way. It wouldn't be this critical if it was only one arm but you saved her life with those sweaters, good job."

"What hospital are you bringing her to?" She knew she couldn't drive with them so she needed to know.

"Presbyterian."

After their first aid was done they put Piper on a stretcher, covering her up to keep her dignity, and carried her out. Alex looked after them for another moment before she looked around the apartment for the blonde's phone.

No matter what their differences were, no matter how much they hated each other, Polly and she had one thing in common: they both cared a lot about Piper Chapman. The only bond that she and the redhead had was their special bond the Piper and Alex knew that they both would be absolutely devastated if Piper were too…she couldn't think about it. Piper was alive. She had a chance to make it through this.

When she found the phone she saw that it was locked but she could make out the fingerprints on four places of the screen. After her third try she found the right order and unlocked it. Since the numbers meant nothing to her she guessed that it could be Piper's son's birthday.

She went through the blonde's contact list until she found Polly's name and called.

"Hey Pipe's, I'm glad you called, look I'm-"

"Polly it's me, Alex." The brunette interrupted the redhead.

There was a moment's silence, before Polly spoke again, her voice wary. "Why do you have Piper's phone? Where's Piper?"

"I…look…you need to go to the Presbyterian. Right now?"

There was another moment of silence, before Polly spoke, her voice shaky this time. "Alex, what happened? Is Piper alright?"

"She's…alive." It wasn't a lie. "I'll tell you everything there, I promise."

"Okay. Okay. I will meet you there."

With that they ended the call and Alex went on to call Nicky with her own phone, explaining the situation and she was once again glad to have a friend like the bushy haired woman who didn't ask for details and just told her that's she'd be there soon to support her in a time when she really needed it.

And she never needed it more than she did right now.

* * *

At the hospital Alex saw the redhead and a man with her at the reception and immediately walked up to them.

She heard the redhead thank the receptionist woman and move in brisk strides.

"Polly, wait!"

The redhead turned around at her voice. "Tell me what happened, right now! They told me to wait at the emergency waiting room, that Piper's under treatment right now. What the hell happened?"

They walked for a few moments until they arrived at the room and sat down. Polly turned towards her with an expectant look. "Well?"

"I…well…I wanted to apologize to Piper and she forgot her papers back at the snack bar and…I found her address on your PoPi webpage…so I went there and the keys were still on the door so I went in to look if everything was alright and there was this whiskey bottle and clothing everywhere and the shower was running so I called out but she didn't answer so I looked there and there was so much blood!"

Alex started to talk faster with every word until she felt close to crying. "She tried to commit suicide! She slit her wrists!"

"Oh my god!" Polly's eyes watered immediately and she clasped the guy's hands in an iron grip and the guy looked as serious as someone could.

"I did what I could…first aid and all and called 911."

Suddenly the brunette felt herself being pulled into a tight hug and felt tears on her neck and a sweater she borrowed from Piper's wardrobe since she used her own to stop the bleeding on the blonde's wrist.

"I was never ever so glad that you exist…if you weren't there…"

The brunette could only nod as she returned the hug. For now there was truce between her and Polly. Piper's wellbeing stood above all.

The guy patted her shoulder and nodded at the brunette. "Thank you. Piper's been through enough. We all need to be there for her now."

Polly broke the hug and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her coat. "My husband. Pete."

Alex wiped her own tears away before shaking his hand. "Alex."

They waited for another ten minutes before Nicky arrived and Alex brought her up to date.

"Shit man…" Nicky was at a loss for words and that was a rarity. But she was there for Alex and Alex was never more grateful for that than today.

* * *

Heavy eyelids forced themselves open, blinking several times to adjust to the light streaming into the bright room. Her arms felt heavy and her throat dry.

After her eyes adjusted to the brightness of the room she looked around, slowly, as she could already tell that the slightest movement brought on a wave of lightheadedness.

She saw a clear tube with red liquid disappearing under the blanket and could only guess that it was blood and that it was for her.

Then it clicked. The blood. The heaviness in her arms.

Jamie.

She turned her head towards the window and stared. And stared.

The heaviness settled itself back in her heart. So she survived. So, fate decided that she was supposed to carry this burden with her until the last of her days.

The door opened and closed behind her, but she didn't look.

"Miss Chapman? I see you are awake. How are you feeling? Do you know why you are here? Do you remember anything?"

She kept staring out of the window. "I'm thirsty. Yes, I remember."

"We'll get you some water. Miss Chapman, there are a few people who want to see you. We can send them away if you don't feel up to have visitors."

She finally turned around to look at the doctor. "I don't care."

The doctor's brows furrowed slightly as he scribbled some more notes on his notepad. "In a couple hours there will be someone to evaluate your mental state, Miss Chapman. I'll come by later to check on you again."

With that he left and Piper turned around to look out of the window again not feeling anything but the silent tears rolling down onto her pillow.

* * *

**AN: Come on guys, did you really think I would kill of Piper? She's my favorite character on the show by far. I may let her go through a lot of shit in my stories but killing her off? No way.**

**And wow at the response to the last chapter! Thank you so much, guys. **

**Tell me what you thought of this one! Please don't forget to review!**


	7. Flickering Light In The Darkness

Piper stared out at the window. She stared outside since the doctor came in to check on her and went out again after a couple basic questions. She stared without seeing anything, her mind a dark pit that seemed endless, that seemed to go on and on, swallowing every bit of light that dared to brighten her thoughts.

Piper didn't know how much time had passed, if any time had passed at all, before there was a hesitant knock on the door. She didn't react to the knock and didn't turn around when the door was opened slowly.

"Pipes?"

When she heard the soft voice of her best friend, Piper turned around slowly; her cheeks stained with the traces of silent tears, her eyes rimmed red but emotionless. Her face gave away that somewhere, deep inside, she had given up on her life, on herself.

She blinked once, twice, to make sure that she also saw an unsure Alex Vause a few paces behind Polly. She then turned around to lie fully on her back, folding her hands slowly and carefully on her stomach. The catheter attached to her arm, sending the blood into her veins, was distracting to say the least and disruptive for her mobility.

"Why are you here, Alex?" Piper's voice was soft, but slightly scratchy.

"You need to actually ask that? I still care about you!" Alex's voice wavered a bit. "And…I found you."

Piper turned to look at the brunette, her brows furrowed in confusion. "What?"

"I…wanted to apologize…and you forgot your business papers back at the snack bar." Alex shrugged half heartedly. "I found your address on PoPi's webpage."

"Oh." So it was thanks to Alex that she survived.

"Why did you do that, Piper? Why didn't you talk to me? I would've helped you find a therapist!" Polly looked close to tears, biting her lower lip to try and keep herself from crying.

"And a therapist would have helped me how exactly? Would it give me my son back?" Her angry gaze turned to Polly, who was sitting on one of the guest chairs she and Alex pulled to the side of Piper's bed. "Every day I miss my son more, Polly. I can't carry this…I can't keep living like this for the rest of my life. I just want to see Jamie again." Tears were starting to run down her cheeks, as sobs were starting to wreck through her body. "I want my baby again."

Polly felt tears of her own on her cheeks as she leaned forward, pulling Piper towards her, careful with the catheter, and cradled her best friends head right under her chin, as the blonde cried her heart out into the redheads neck, repeating again and again that she wanted to have Jamie back. Polly felt her heart break into a million pieces with every sob of her best friend and all she could do was to say "I know".

She knew Piper wanted to have her son back. She knew that. She understood. But she never could have known just how deeply rooted the pain was that Piper felt every single day for the past months.

Next to the redhead was Alex, looking at them and feeling utterly helpless and useless, but most of all, she felt heartbroken. Never before had she seen Piper like this, never before had she seen the love of her life so broken. She couldn't understand the pain that the blonde went through. She couldn't understand the sadness that Polly shared with the blonde, even though the redhead could never feel it the same way Piper did. She was not there. She never knew the boy. She would never get to know him.

But she wanted to be there for Piper. She wanted to help the blonde in any way she could. Alex knew that despite everything they went through, despite the anger and hatred she felt for the blonde for years, above all of her feelings, the love she felt for Piper was the strongest.

She absentmindedly wiped away her own tears with the sleeve of Piper's shirt, then reached out hesitantly for Piper's hand that clutched the back of Polly's blouse. She touched the blonde's fingers softly and Piper reacted immediately, taking the brunette's hand and holding it in a death grip as her heart wrenching sobs were the only thing heard in the room for a long while.

* * *

After a few minutes of quietness Polly looked down and saw that the blonde fell asleep. She retracted the blonde's arms from around her and, with Alex's help, laid her down gently.

They both walked out and Alex closed the door softly behind her. Nicky and Pete were both out to get something to eat after a tiring day, so Alex and Polly were alone as they sat down on the chairs in the waiting area.

"You know," Polly began, "in college…in college Piper was always this dorky, somewhat naïve, but usually happy blonde nice girl. And when she had Jamie…" Polly smiled fondly at the memories. It felt odd talking about these things as if they were so long ago when it wasn't even a full year. "Piper was such an amazing mother."

Alex sat there, not really knowing what to say- though she had one question she knew she had to ask. "What about the father?"

The redhead gave Alex a small smirk. "Jamie was an accident. After Pipes broke up with you she got a bit…careless, I guess, when it came to sex. So she got drunk, slept with that guy she can't even remember the name of, and ended up pregnant. She decided to keep him though and…to be honest, now I don't know if it was the right choice anymore." Polly sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "On one hand…Jamie was such an adorable and happy child. You would have loved him. On the other though…if she had aborted him back then the accident would have never happened and she would never be so…she would never have tried to commit suicide."

Alex was quiet; she just listened to the redhead who continued with her train of thought.

"I mean, I know it's a horrible thing to say but right now…I just can't help it." She leaned forward with a slight groan, resting her elbows on her thighs and her head on her hands. "I never thought I'd ever say this but I'm just so glad you are here, Alex. This…all of this would begin to be too much pressure for me. I mean, I love Piper to bits but…this whole thing is starting to take its toll on me too, you know."

"I want to help. I need to…I need Piper to be okay." Alex looked down at the floor as the very fresh memories of a broken down Piper replayed themselves in her mind. "I have never seen Piper like…" She indicated the general direction of Piper's room with her hand. "I don't want to ever see her like that again."

The redhead nodded at Alex with a smile before pulling the brunette into a tight hug. "Me neither."

* * *

Nicky and Pete arrived some time later with the food and they sat outside on one of the benches, eating silently until Nicky broke the silence.

"So…how's she doin'?"

Alex chewed for a few moments before swallowing down her food and looked straight ahead. She then turned towards the bushy haired woman. "Horrible. I've never before seen her like…I don't know how to help. I don't even know where to begin but…she definitely needs a therapist." Alex then turned towards Polly. "Is she seeing a therapist?"

Polly shook her head. "No. She got really angry when I first mentioned it but agreed to the NA group. I wanted to ask her again after she got a grip on that problem but I guess I shouldn't have waited for so long…" The redhead trailed off, feeling like she failed her best friend.

"It's not your fault but we really need to make her go to see a therapist. I mean, she is suicidal!"

Nicky agreed. "Vause's right. It's one thing to be considerate of your friend's feelings before and it was the right thing to do but now it's obvious that she needs some serious help."

"Yes. You are right." Polly knew that they were right. She knew that Piper desperately needed help to be able to even begin to deal with her son's death. But just like Alex, she didn't know where to begin.

"If you want, I can look for some therapists in NY who specialize with these kinds of things." Pete offered and Polly thanked him with a kiss.

"Yes, please."

Nicky got up to throw away the empty food boxes and plastic forks, reasoning her generosity with being offended by Polly's and Pete's blatant display of heterosexuality.

"Look, Alex…" Polly began. Alex turned towards her, an eyebrow cocked in curiosity. "I want to be blunt about this and don't take this wrong in any way. I need you here. Piper need's you. So, be honest: where do you stand with your feelings for Piper?"

Her brows furrowed a bit, but Alex answered quickly and without thinking anyways. "I still love her."

Nodding, Polly frowned and then sighed. "You know that Piper is in absolutely no mental state to deal with romantic things, right?"

"Yes, I know and I won't start anything with her before I know that she is on at least on her way to become mentally healthy again."

"And that's all I'm asking."

Alex leaned back on the bench, a soft sigh escaping her lips. She wondered how Piper would react when she told her that she wanted to be a part of the blonde's life again. Would she reject the idea? Would she be happy or, at least, not totally against the idea? Whatever it was going to be, Alex knew that now her time had come to step it up. This was the kind of responsibility she would not avoid. The love of her life needed her and she would be there for her.

She would carry Piper out from that hole. Maybe the blonde would never be truly, genuinely happy ever again. Maybe there would always be this hole in her chest, this pain that she would have to endure for the rest of her life. But Alex would help to dull it, to soothe the pain, so that Piper could start to see the more colorful aspects of her life again, even if her son could be no part of it anymore.

* * *

**AN: Aw man, I almost made myself cry at the first couple passages of this chapter, what the hell am I even doing here, Jesus Christ :'(**

**I hope you felt the same way. Tell me in the reviews if you shed a couple or so tears at least.**

**If you wanna know my thoughts on S3 of OitNB, I've said what I needed to say in the AN in chapter 2 of Broken Mind. **

**And about my other stories, I try to wrap this one up but I don't know how many more chapters there will be. Some may remember that I wanted to make this like 2 or 3 chapters long and look at what happened. **

**Anyways, when this is done and when I am at least close to finishing another ongoing story then I want to start something new, a Life Is Strange story. Have you guys played it? I really recommend it if you haven't! And, when I say I want to start sth different than a OitNB story it doesn't mean that there never will be another. But all of that are just thoughts for the future.**

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter, don't forget to review!**


	8. The Interlude Part 02

The room was just the right amount of cool when Piper woke up. She wanted to turn onto her side but the catheter tugged on her arm at the movement so she settled with lying on her back. She felt odd; on one hand, after crying her heart out in Polly's arms and with Alex holding her hand, she felt weirdly refreshed, comforted. On the other hand she still felt hopeless, unable to come up with a way on how to continue this life. She tried to settle her alcoholism, she tried to bury herself in her work but ultimately everything led back to the fact that her life without her son was not a life she wanted. Ultimately, Piper Chapman needed her son back. Ultimately, Piper Chapman needed Jamie Chapman to survive; but she knew that it was a wish, a need, that could never be fulfilled because he was dead, because a drunk truck driver ignored a red light and crashed into the back half of her car and into the side where Jamie was seated, because Jamie was gone instantly.

She reached for her locked but only grasped air. Looking down on her she realized that it was not there anymore and she felt herself begin to panic. She was about to reach for the bedside table to check out if it was in the drawers when there was a knock on her door.

"Yes?"

The door opened and in came an elderly man with receding grey hair, a stubby beard and kind eyes. "Ms. Chapman, how are you doing?"

"I…I'm okay I guess but I'm looking for my locket. I didn't realize that someone took it off."

The man raised an eyebrow at her but went over to the bedside table and pulled out the top drawer. He smiled as he gave her the golden locket which Piper took with slightly shaky hands and a face full of eternal gratitude before the blonde slipped it back on around her neck.

"Thank you."

"You are welcome, even though it was the obvious place your jewelry would have been stowed away at. I didn't introduce myself yet, did I?" He pulled out a chair from the round table at the corner of the room and placed it next to the blonde's bed before he took out a notepad and a pencil from his black suitcase. "I am Dr. William Kazior and I am here to evaluate your mental health."

"Oh."

The man gave her a small smirk. "I don't want to put you away in a mental health clinic, Ms. Chapman. You don't need to worry there as long as I can tell that you won't be a danger to your environment to." He leaned forward a bit, looking her in the eyes. "Since you attempted suicide it is obvious that you are a danger to yourself. What I need to know is if it was a…single, one-time attempt or if you are still suicidal."

Piper gave the man a small frown. She knew she didn't want this talk because it would unavoidably lead to accepting Jamie's death. It would lead to dealing with it and that was something she didn't want to do.

"I'm not." She wanted to be done with this.

The doctor was patient, even when she now behaved like petulant child. "Ms. Chapman…I need you to understand one thing: I am here to help you out. I want this evaluation to put you in the best possible light but I can't if you don't try and work with me."

Piper didn't say anything, she just looked at her folded hands on top of the white blanket.

"So, let's start with a few simple, basic questions, Ms. Chapman." The man relaxed on his chair and looked at her. "What do you do for a living?"

Piper absentmindedly toyed with the chain of her locket as she answered. "My friend Polly and I, we have this artisan bathing product store…PoPi."

"Is it going well?"

The blonde couldn't help but feel a bit proud of the answer she gave. "Yes. We are on the brink of being able to expand."

Smiling at her, the man made some notes. "That is impressive." He looked back up. "Tell me about your friend."

"I've known her since college. I trust her unconditionally. She was there for me when I…when I was pregnant with Jamie…" Piper felt herself choking up, even though she just cried a few hours ago. "And…and she was there when…" She shook her head while wiping away stray tears.

"Take your time, Ms. Chapman."

She kept toying with the locket, a thumb tracing along the shape of the golden heart. "Polly was there when…when my son died."

The man looked at her, kind and soft eyes meeting hers, as he urged her gently. "Tell me about your son, Ms. Chapman."

Piper smiled with teary eyes at Dr. Kazior. "He was a happy child. He was always smiling and always laughing and when we would visit a playground or a park he would pick dandelions for me because Pete- Polly's husband- once told him that a gentleman would give flowers to his favorite girl."

"I asked your friends about your situation before I came here, Ms. Chapman. I didn't want to trigger anything and cause you more stress and endanger your recovery in any way. So, without delving too deep in things that you may not be ready to talk about I will ask you general questions around the event that your situation revolves around."

Piper nodded; she was pretty sure that she knew what he meant with _event._

"Do you have nightmares?"

"I had…until I started drinking. After I started drinking I'd just black out and wake up."

"Did you ever attack someone physically?"

"No."

"Was your suicide attempt planned?"

"No."

"Hm." The doctor hummed thoughtfully. "So…you just suddenly decided to take your own life?"

Piper shrugged. "I don't know." He face was impassive. "It happened."

"And it doesn't bother you at all?"

The blonde didn't hesitate when she answered. "No."

* * *

Alex and Polly were both waiting outside of Piper's room. They took days off of work, Alex asking her boss if she was allowed to take this day off at least because of a personal emergency and Polly knowing that PoPi could survive a couple days being closed.

So, they both were waiting for the mental evaluator to come out of Piper's room. Alex was being the more fidgety one of them both, even though she tried to hide it. They talked with the evaluator for a few minutes, giving him a rough overview of Piper's situation, so they both knew that the blonde's mental state was being evaluated right now and they both knew that the evaluation was significant in deciding on the treatment that Piper would receive.

It was that, what made Alex so anxious.

Neither of them talked and they just waited in silent companionship for the time to tick by and they kept waiting, both deep in their own worlds. When the door to Piper's room finally opened and they both got up from their seats and walked over to the psychologist.

"Ms. Vause, Ms. Harper. Let's sit down."

They walked for a few moments before they walked into an office. The doctor closed the door behind them and motioned for them to sit down as he walked around the large desk and sat down on his chair.

"Let's get straight to the point." He took out a folder, on which they could make out Piper's name, and opened it. "I don't think that either of you will be surprised by the fact that Ms. Chapman suffers from a severe case of bereavement-related depression, which is understandable. None of us can fathom the sort of pain a parent has to go through, especially if their child dies at such a young age as Ms. Chapman's son did."

Both women nodded. They already expected those things and were, as he expected, not really surprised.

"What I needed to look for was not the type of depression she obviously suffers from. For me, the important thing to understand was: is she a danger just to herself or is she also a potential danger to her environment? He leafed through his notes before he found what he was looking for. He read through it and nodded to himself. "To make it short, the only person who is in danger from Ms. Chapman is Ms. Chapman herself. Her grief…her depression over the death of her son is huge. She definitely needs professional help; desperately. She is not shaken at all by her suicide attempt. It is hard to say if she will attempt suicide again but it is obvious that her self-care is not the first thing on her mind. She needs someone to be around her twenty-four/seven."

"Okay. We'll figure something out." Polly nodded, obvious that her mind was already looking for possible solutions.

They both thanked Dr. Kazior and went outside, sitting down where they were before the doctor exited Piper's room.

"What are we going to do?" Alex asked after a few moments of silence.

"I honestly don't know…I mean, I have to return and work…probably alone for a while. And Pete has to work anyways. And you…what do you do now anyways? Is it something legal?" Polly whispered the last part, looking anxiously around to make sure that no one overheard what she just asked.

Alex rolled her eyes at the redhead. "Yes…after I started…using H, I got kicked out."

"Just like that?"

The brunette shrugged. "Yes. I was not dependable anymore and they know I am not dumb enough to talk."

Polly chewed lightly on her lower lip, her brows furrowed. This was the first time she really heard things about the brunette's former occupation. "Okay…"

"Look, all of that is over. It's not my life anymore. As fucked up as my…boss…was, he was strict about his people actually doing drugs. He kicks them out immediately to never come back. Even if I wanted to, I have no chance whatsoever to get back into that life. It's done."

"Okay…um, could you then? Be with Piper, I mean. I will be there as often as possible too, of course but I have to get back to work at some point."

Alex nodded in understanding. "Of course. Yes. I want this. I want to help Piper be okay again. I need her to be okay again."

"Thanks. I really am grateful that you are here, supercunt."

* * *

Piper's eyes were closed, her hands folded on her stomach as she tried to relax. Today had been emotionally tiring for her and she just needed a timeout, a moment for herself.

She wondered what the doctor thought about her, if she had to go to a mental hospital or if she could just be by herself at her home. She craved cigarettes and alcohol and the quiet of her apartment. Those were the things that comforted her the most and she even found it in her to chuckle to herself that the things that comforted her were toxic for her body.

At some point she dozed off but a soft knock on the door startled her out of it. The door opened and she blinked a few times to see Alex and Polly enter.

"How are you, Pipes?" Polly asked her, pulling a chair next to the bed and taking a hand between both of hers.

She looked at Alex taking a chair and placing it right next to Polly's and looking at her expectantly. "I'm okay, I guess."

"Good. That's good. Look, Pipes…we talked with that hospital shrink and…" Alex began but then looked helplessly at Polly.

The redhead just rolled her eyes at Alex. "He said that you can't be left alone for the time being."

Piper's dark brows rose high as she looked at them. "I need to be babysat?"

"No. But you are a danger to yourself, Piper. The doctor said that you are like _whatever_ after you tried to kill yourself!" Polly's eyes were swimming in tears as she was talking. She grasped Piper's hand tightly between her own. "Please, _please_ don't make an issue out of this!"

Piper sighed and averted her eyes from the other women. "Who will be with me?"

There was a moment of awkward silence before a small but husky voice answered.

"Me."

* * *

**AN: I made your wishes come true! Alex will now spend a LOT of time with Piper and comfort her, help her to get back up from her depression and help her to try and mend her heart as much as possible, though we all know that the cracks will forever be visible. Not even true love can make that kind of pain go away forever. **

**Let's all root that their path will lead them to happier times.**

**And on a side note, guys, I did not mean in my last AN that I want to finish this in the next couple chapters. I just voiced out a few thoughts for the future. I will give this story the time and attention it needs. I won't rush this, don't you guys worry.**


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